-Written in iPhone Notes November 3, 2021

Dear Thea, 

I still find myself lost in staring at you and marveling in who you are and the fact that you're mine. I've had you a little over 6 years and I don't think I'll ever get used to it. The days can sometimes feel so long and so hard but I wouldn't trade a single second. The years are going too quickly and I feel desperate to hold onto every moment that passes. If only I could freeze time. I know that I'm living the best years of my life right now. Being your mom- doing this parent thing with your dad- is the best, most fulfilling thing I've ever done.

I love watching you grow. Every day you become more independent, brave, smart, kind, and affectionate. You have such a loving, empathetic heart. I love you and who you are becoming. 

Sometimes I worry about how you'll see me. What will you remember about this time with me?

*Note ends

I came across this note today. I don't think it was ever finished. I do worry. The older you get, the more I worry. Each year, sometimes what feels like even each day, brings a new set of parenting challenges. So often, I feel like I fail at them. I yell when I shouldn't. I don't extend grace when I should. I let emotions/anxiety/etc get the best of me and affect our home. My hope and prayer is that when you look back on these days- the best days of MY life- that it's full of fond memories. That you always know how much you have always been so deeply loved. 

Love, 

Mommy

Dear Thea, 

I wrote this at 9:56pm on September 27, 2020- the night before you turned 5 years old.

After many years working in preschools and daycares when I was younger, I had determined that 4 was the "perfect" kid age. I’ve always said I wanted my kid to reach 4 and then freeze forever. I prepared Daddy last year for the emotional meltdown I would have when the time came for you to turn 5. Now here we are. When we wake up tomorrow, you will have officially crossed that threshold. The threshold from toddlerish kid to full blown KID. BUT! There hasn’t been a meltdown! Because while I’m sad about how quickly time is passing, I’m celebrating all the moments we have had and looking forward to all that’s still to come.

Parenthood is weird. On one hand, it’s almost like a loss. I mourn the 4 year old (and 3,2,1, and baby) that I’ll never have again but, on the other, there’s nothing more exciting than watching you become the young lady God has planned for you to be.

You are loving, kind, and compassionate. You are a friend to everyone you meet and you feel so deeply. You are tender-hearted, stubborn, and funny. You're curious about the world around you and love to learn. You're understanding more about who Jesus is and how much He loves you. You are developing a heart and love for the Lord and nothing is better than hearing you pray. You are super affectionate and love nothing more than cuddling up with us and spending time together. One day that might not be the case. But it’s not today... and it’s probably not tomorrow. 

So, instead of focusing on the “toddler/little” I am losing, I’m celebrating the amazing, BIG girl you are. I am so incredibly proud of you, Thea Kay. I love you infinity x3. 

Love,

Mommy

Dear Thea,

It’s been so long since I’ve taken time to sit down and write. Having a toddler definitely keeps you busy. 

You started your first year of school this past September, just a couple weeks before your 4th birthday. I was so nervous about you starting so early, especially since you had only been with a babysitter one on one and not in any structured school like environment, but you have done so well. So well, in fact, that now we have to debate whether to go ahead and let you move to Kindergarten (even though you’ll technically still be 4 when the school year starts) next year or have you do PreK again like we always planned.  It sounds silly but I just don’t want to rush your childhood by having you complete school a year early. I know one day you’ll be in a rush to be done and go out into the world on your own, but I want you to have that extra year you’d get before having to face adult responsibilities. However, I also don’t want to do you a disservice by not challenging you. Can you tell that your mom is a seeerious over thinker?!

So, here you are- my amazingly smart, articulate, kind, beautiful little girl. The years have passed way too quickly and I’ve watched you grow into your own person. You have such a funny sense of humor, you love making up your own  jokes (“what did the sun say to the yard? fence!”) and doing things just to get a laugh. You love to play pretend, especially “family”. You imagine having a baby brother all the time and I know you’d be the best big sister. It breaks my heart a little each time we’ve had a conversation about our family only having one kid. You are still as strong willed and stubborn as ever and I wish I could say I always handled it with grace and patience and talked with you calmly through conflict... but I yell and get frustrated way more often than I like. We’ve had a lot of “I’m sorry” conversations, followed with lots of hugs and prayers. My prayer is that you see and know, even in my mistakes and failures, how much I love you and care about your feelings. 

I love you infinityx3. 

Love,

Mommy

Dear Thea,
TWO!! I cannot believe you are TWO! Life just keeps flying by and I wish I could slow it down and keep you small forever. But it's also so fun to see you grow and watch how happy it makes you to learn how to do something new. You have grown SO MUCH just within these last 3 weeks! You've been talking so much more and every day it seems like you learn a new word. I couldn't be more proud of you! This past year has been the most challenging and also the most fun. You are so stubborn and willful that some days I have no idea how I'm going to make it another however many years. So many days, I feel like a complete failure. If only I had had a little more patience, if I had just had a little more grace. But then you climb in my lap and snuggle me and tell me you love me (you actually say it now!) and I realize just maybe I'm not doing too bad. You are so loving and smart and already such a goofball. You love making us laugh whether you are making funny faces or randomly licking us anywhere you can reach (so gross!). So much personality already and I can't wait to watch it develop even more! You are sunshine. You bring so much happiness into our lives and I'm thankful every single day (even the hard ones) that I get to be your mom. I hope you never forget how loved you are. 
Love, 
Momma

Dear Thea,
A couple weeks ago you turned 1 year old. One entire year has already gone by. I still can't believe it. This past year has been the most joyful, amazing, beautiful, exhausting, questioning, mind-blowing, frustrating, BEST year of my life. Being your mom is my favorite thing. You make it so easy, even when it's hard. I have watched you transform from this tiny, helpless baby who relied on me for every need into this beautiful, willful, decisive, sassy, funny, loving toddler. You have a strong, but loving spirit already. You absolutely know what you want and what you don't (and have no problem letting us know). Walking was the best thing to happen to you. You love exploring new places and are very much a people watcher. You are always aware of your surroundings and your little eyes take in every detail. I love to watch the wheels turning in your brain. I hope you always have that inquisitive nature and always ask questions. This is how we learn- don't let anyone tell you different. You love hugs and giving kisses. You have an infectious laugh and smile all the time.

But you aren't the only one who has transformed this year. You have transformed me. You have taught me to be more patient, more graceful, more intentional. You have given me the ability to love more than I thought possible. I look back on those first few months and remember all the questions and uncertainty. I remember the hours and hours spent online looking up everything. And now I see that somewhere along the way, I gained confidence in myself as your mom. I didn't have to spend hours online before I made every single decision. Eventually I knew you well enough to know when something was wrong. When something was working or something wasn't. I trusted myself and understood that it wasn't the end of the world if I picked you up and held you when you woke in the middle of the night instead of the recommended "pat and leave". I learned that not everything is going to happen according to plan and that that's ok. I'm only a year in so I'm in no way a parenting expert (is anyone ever really?) and am still learning every day, but I can see the confidence God has allowed me as your mom. After all, He chose me specifically for you so why doubt that I'm exactly who you need me to be?

Almost every single night, since our first night home from the hospital, I have sang you to sleep. I have sang the chorus to the same song every night. As I sing, I pray these words and more over your life.

"I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams

And that faith gives you the courage

To dare to do great things.

I'm here for you whatever this life brings.

So let my love give you roots

And help you find your wings."

I pray that you always work hard for your dreams. I pray that you have a strong faith and love for God and that that is what guides you. I pray that you always have courage to do what's right and to take risks. I pray that you always know that I will always be here for you and that I love you unconditionally. And that more importantly, so does God. I pray that through this love you find strength and guidance. I pray that you always keep your eyes on God and that you let Him direct your life. And I pray that I continue to grow and transform into the mom I need to be to allow all of those things. I am so incredibly proud to be your mom. I love you most most most.

Love,

Momma

Dear Thea,

In two days you will be 7 months old! Just like that, 7 months have flown by. It makes me so sad that you aren't my tiny, helpless baby anymore but it is also the most amazing thing to watch you grow and develop. You seem to learn new things every day. You are the happiest baby. You are always smiling. Even when you are fussing about something, you can't help but smile back when Dad or I smile at you. You think Dad is the funniest person on the plant. No one gets you to laugh like him. I'd be jealous except I completely understand. Daddy is a pretty great guy.

You are pure sunshine sweet baby. You have brightened my life in the most magical way. I always expect the newness to wear off. I keep expecting to not be so obsessed with you one day. But my heart still feels like it will burst out of my chest every time I look at you. I don't think it could hold any more love. I still find myself staring at you amazed that you are mine. That love and that amazement will never wear off. I hope that you always know and feel the greatness of my love. 

Love,
Mom

Dear Thea,

YOU ARE HERE! 

You entered the world 1 week early on September 28, 2015 at 11:04am. Your birth story is posted here. It was the most scary and emotional day of my life. And the best!

For almost 10 months I thought constantly of you, wondered what you would look like, planned and prepared for you, and loved you. But none of that could have prepared me for the moment I first saw you and held you in my arms. I could never have imagined how much more I could love you. 

You are more beautiful than I could ever imagine and absolutely perfect. It's been almost 2 weeks now and motherhood is the best. I love spending every second of each day with you and already dread the day I have to leave you to go back to work. But for now I am enjoying every time you grip my finger, every snuggle, every nursing session, even every diaper change. I know that these days are going to be over before I know it. 

My desire is to always be intentional in my time with you. To make our moments more that just existing side by side. I want you to always know and feel loved and important. 

The moment you were born, my entire life changed for the better. Your dad and I couldn't be happier. 

Bursting with love,

Mom