Dear Baby C,

I've been dreaming about you lately. Last week, I dreamed that I was hugely pregnant, awaiting your arrival any day. The excitement I felt throughout the dream was enough to last through the bleary- eyed dreariness even once I awoke. Last night I once again had a dream that I was pregnant. This time I had just taken the test and started crying as I looked down at the little lines confirming that I was indeed with child. I was so happy and so scared that it was wrong and I would just be getting my hopes up. As the dream went on, the fear turned to excitement and I spent the rest of the dream planning fun ways to tell Chris. Waking up from both of these dreams was bittersweet. This morning I had a smile on my face as I realized how very like me the last dream was. From the fear and unbelief to the excitement and wanting to surprise Chris. 

Oh Baby C, I can't wait for these dreams to become reality. Your dad and I have both been to the doctor now. There's nothing major holding us back from conceiving. I have hope that it's only a matter of time before I hear your heartbeat and feel you growing inside of me. I know these dreams are a sort of wish fulfillment stemming from the desire in my heart. But I also know that we serve an amazing God who wants those things for us when we are seeking His plan and purpose. I know that God has a reason for this trial and time of waiting. I am learning to lean more on God when I feel broken. I am learning patience. And I am sure I will appreciate it more when it does happen.  

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you.

Be still in the presence of the LORD,and wait patiently for him to act.

Psalm 37: 4-5,7

I hope, through these letters, that you are able to learn something too one day. I hope, through these letters and through life, you always know undoubtedly that I love you. But also know, Baby C, God's love for us is unimaginable. 

Love,Mom

Dear Baby C,

I have wanted to write to you for a very long time. Writing letters to my child has been an idea in my head since the idea of ever having a child at all. Writing you letters to document your many firsts as you grow from an infant to toddler, to give you the advice of a mother as you navigate your teenage years, to communicate with you even when you may not want to listen to me in person. Writing you letters that one day would be given to you to look back to and know your mother's heart.

I'm still not sure if it's a great idea to start yet. I have been putting it off for a couple of years. Waiting for the right time to begin. You see...you haven't even been conceived yet. And I feel like putting these letters out here before then could haunt me later...should you never arrive. But I finally decided that maybe writing to you could be therapeutic. And that, God willing, you would be able to see one day how much you are wanted and loved..even before you existed. I guess I should explain...

I have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years. For 2 years, your dad and I have anxiously awaited the news that you were in my belly and have prayed desperately for you. It's a scary thought to think that I could never see your face, to know who you are. But I will continue trusting in God and His timing. Sometimes I am impatient, sometimes I cry and wonder why...but I know that He has a greater plan than I could understand and that He hears my prayers. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

I want you to know, Baby C, that I love you. Even now. And that I cannot wait for the day that God chooses me to be your mother.

Prayerfully waiting,
Mom